Alfred to the rescue

We had an invader in the house this morning. I got up at 6, went into the bathroom, and there's a giant freaking COCKROACH on the back of the toilet! That woke me up pretty damn quick, let me tell you. Now, I don't want to overstate this or anything, but I hate roaches with a passion like the fiery pits of hell. They just freak me out, they're so hard to kill and are so damn fast and dirty. I hate going anywhere near them. I even hate killing them because I have to go close to them, and half the time when you go to kill them they run like hell and you miss and then you have to jump around and shriek like a little girl because it moved. I hate roaches almost as much as I hated the centipedes I used to have to kill in the basement of my parents' house. Ugh. Those little fuckers are just nasty, nothing should have that many legs. They'd just be chillin' on the wall when I walked by, then try to bolt before I smeared them across the wall with a shoe. Then I'd have to leave the smear there, cause the wall was too hard to clean because of the texture. But I digress.

So I go into the bathroom and the roach is on the back of the toilet. I go grab a flip flop and get ready for action, but the little bastard is too smart. There's a library book on the back of the toilet, and of course he crawls up on top of that so I can't kill him. He just strolls back and forth, checking everything out, crawls down the side of the book, investigates the binding. Usually roaches are either standing still or running like mad, but not him. Just walking around, taking his time, as casual as can be. Meanwhile I'm standing there in my pjs with a flip flop raised for attack, waiting for him to get off the damn book so I can smash him, and giving a running commentary for Alfred, who's in bed trying to go back to sleep. Nope, no sleep when there's evil afoot. He tells me to ignore it and just use the bathroom and he'll kill it when he gets up. Clearly, there's no way on God's green earth I'm using a toilet with a roach on it. So finally I give up and go downstairs. Five minutes later, after dismantling half the toilet in his quest, Alfred and the Toilet Paper of Death have splattered the roach across the bathroom. He then threw it in the toilet and peed on it. My hero. (You're supposed to flush them because if it's a female and has eggs, they can still hatch after she's dead. Freaking disgusting creatures.) It smelled like dead roach for awhile afterwards, but it's better than a live roach lurking in our house.